+You should eat this way, but definitely not THAT way. THAT way means that you’re a communist.
+You should protect the earth, but—as prices would suggest—not on the cheap. And good lord, why aren’t you smearing your body with your own fresh compost yet, you Tony Hayward loving jerkface?!
+You should wear sunscreen and protect your skin, but please find a way to not look pale, because that is super gross.
+You should work out all the time, but you shouldn’t actually do that much cardio. Or maybe you should. Here’s a Zumba class. Oh, you can’t dance? That’s okay, it’s still super fun to look like an idiot and injure yourself because lord knows you don’t want to get “bulky” working out like a sweaty man.
+You should wash and be hygienic, but not with that soap because it kills all the little crawdads down at that thar creek.
+You should make your home beautiful, but only if the entire interior is reclaimed, salvaged, thrifted, vintage, polyurethane free, and/or ironic.
+You should be living your best life! Don’t you know what your best life is? I’ll be happy to tell you: it’s my life, but you have to buy my webipodcastmug for three installments of $97.77. Here’s the link. Oops! Wrong link! I’ll send it in an e-mail. Why aren’t you working on the internet yet? You work in an OFFICE?! Sellout.
+WHY ARE YOU EATING CHEESE? DON’T YOU KNOW CHEESE HAS THE SAME CHEMICALS AS CRACK COCAINE?! IT’S A FRIGGIN’ GATEWAY DRUG AND SOON YOU’LL BE WEARING SEQUINS AT A SEEDY NIGHT CLUB AND SHAKING GLOW STICKS AND SNORTING COMET OFF A TOILET SEAT!
Look, none of these things are necessarily bad (except for Zumba. Zumba is bad), but I can’t do ‘em all. I also don’t feel like anyone should have to be treated like a pariah if he or she just can’t embrace a Tim Gunn life philosophy (“make it work!”).
There are days I want to scream, “Look, Universe! You get TWO—count ‘em--TWO Right Things today. I will recycle this here cup, and I will scrub my hoo-ha with organic, grass fed lingonberries, but that’s all you get. You hear me, Universe? HUH!? That’s it!” And I’ll stand like goddamned Scarlett O’Hara with my fist raised, my curtain tasseled gown flowing in the wind.
So dudes, just so you know...you’re fine. You drink Starbucks and use clay cat litter? Awesome. Do it up. You bought a new couch and work a tedious 9-5 job that everyone else in the world hates, but you love? You go, Diva. Your version of a workout is a walk with your dog followed by some vigorous laughter with a friend? You don’t keep up with pop culture? You sometimes nap in the sun?
Go get it, kids. Seriously. Drown out the noise, try not to be a jerk (my personal life philosophy, actually), and live your life. You will, inevitably, "do it wrong." But sometimes, that's alright.