What a One Night Stand Can Teach You About Sex and Sexuality

Confession: two weeks after I left my marriage, I had my first one night stand.

it was with a guy I had known for a couple weeks. We went out for drinks, got to talking, and--bada boom, bada bing--we're at a seedy motel just south of the city doing the things relative strangers do when clouded with beer and bad judgment.

(PSSST! BONING.)

It was my first sexual experience outside of my marriage.

(The marriage I started out as a virgin, and ended up--after many miserable attempts--celibate in. The marriage that two kids headed into, expecting that their faith would make any misgivings and lack of chemistry just magically disappear. We headed out as grown-ups, emotionally bruised and battered, but willing to see where life might take us next.) 

To be honest, I don't think the sex that night was all that great.

BUT! I was so giddy and over the moon about it, that when I gushed to my therapist about it (yes, I had one of those) she actually got red and giggled.

So much for professionalism. :)

Here's why I was so excited about a random, not-so-good hookup, in a nicotine infused hotel lurking in a city suburb...

I figured out I wasn't broken.

Because if you go long enough in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you, and you don't want them, you figure you're not a sexual being. That maybe it's you, not them. That maybe you just can't possibly fit what the rest of the world sees as "normal" (which, let's face it, is still measured by a narrow view of heterosexual P in V sex). 

You feel like an anomaly, so you must be one.

But friends? I am here to tell you that you're okay.

That you're probably not as broken as you think you are.

Besides, if a girl like me can move from perceiving herself as asexual to figuring out, oh, that she's DECIDEDLY NOT, I'm assuming you have the capacity to figure out your own tangled sexual web (is there a product like that? If not, there should be. SEX WEB!).

You'll have to take the time to educate yourself (and to continue to do so, even when you feel you might be "getting it"), you may even need to talk to someone wiser or more experienced, or be willing to be vulnerable (which is scary), or even say/admit some tricky and difficult things. It might take some work, but maybe it's worth it to you.

It was to me.

PS--I think it goes without saying that I'm not advocating one night stands as the be all, end all to your own sex education. It just so happens that it was what helped to awaken me.

PPS--I also think it goes without saying that you're not slutty or whatever if you choose to partake in a roll in the hay with a relative stranger. If you're all enthusiastically consenting adults, and you take grown-up, responsible, measures for protection, more power to ya.