1. Know Your Whozit--Who is your Whozit? What does your Whozit want? If you can't answer this question, then why are you even living? You should probably go jump off a bridge, because clearly, you are less of a human being and you are ruining things for the rest of us who understand our Whozits completely.
2. Your Whozit is only as Big as You Dream it to Be--Nevermind that your Whozit is actually the size of a small grapefruit, it's what you WISH it to be is what the literal size is. I mean, it's not...the literal size is a grapefruit, but if you dream that it's different, it is. Makes your head explode, right? Good! Just make sure you clean up after yourself.
3. Your Whozit is Completely Uninspiring and Makes Me Dry Heave...Unless You Believe it Isn't! (See also, #2)--Is your Whozit subpar, but you actually think it's awesome? Yeah! Hold on to that thought, because all that matters is What you think of your Whozit. And your Whozit is beautiful...to you. And only you.
4. Your Whozit Will Die if You Don't Tweet About it and Your Breakfast at Least 72 Times a Day--Need I say more? I THINK NOT.
5. Whozits are Beautiful Flowers that Only Need to be Pruned by the Harsh Criticism of Others--Put your Whozit out there so people can be super rude about it in type. And hey, get over your fragile little self. You don't get to be offended! You put your Whozit out there, so that means that people do not have to filter what they really think of you and your Whozit. This is the internet age, and people can say what they want, you skanky whore.
6. Your Whozit Would Look Great in this Hand-Woven Felted Goat-Innard Reusable Maxi-Pad off Etsy--You are destroying the earth by shopping at chain stores for your hygiene needs. Just so you know. You know those redwoods and cute polar bears? Yeah, you're melting the ice with your super-absorbent, patriarchy loving, selfish ways.
7. I Took a Picture of Your Whozit, Photoshopped it, Then Posted It with the Single-Worded Caption, "EEP!" on Facebook--Isn't it darling? I mean, oops! Sorry!
8. E-book the Shit Out of Your Whozit--Sell it for $19.99. Don't tell people it's only 30 pages typed in 14 point font and they could have bought their family pizza or purchased shoes for a homeless person or gotten that same information for free elsewhere. IT'S YOUR WHOZIT, AND IT'S IMPORTANT, DAMMIT!
9. Don't Forget, Your Thingie is Important, Too--You should do a YouTube video about it. While you're at it, show us something awesome that only you can do. Make sure it's something that will make the rest of us feel bad about being alive.
10. And Finally, You Should Probably Ignore all this Advice, because Your Whozit is the only Whozit Who Really Knows its Whatnot--That's advice you can plug right into your iPad! Or if you're less rich, your Kindle! And if you're really, REALLY poor and also enjoy killing the earth, write it with pen on some paper.What Whatnots do you have to share about your Whozit?