The Perils of Mr. Perfect, and Why Your List is Trash

Today's post comes to us from relationship guru (and fellow sassy redhead) Danielle Dowling. Learn more about Danielle at the end of this article. Enjoy!


Scrap your Mr. (or Ms.) Perfect list.

What if I told you that when you annihilate the borders of restriction you allow in a tide of eligible partners?

Would you be willing to release and let go of  what you think will make you happy in a partner?

Yes? Cool. Stay with me a minute.

Courage is key here.

Up until now, your checklist has been a self-erected barricade to love and probably held you back from getting precisely what you want – and more. Is it possible that your list has become a convenient excuse allowing you to dodge the challenge and closeness of a real relationship?

Often it can seem easier to remain single and independent then exposing ourselves to the vulnerability and intimacy that is inherent in love’s blind faith.

So with fear at our back – what do we do?  Seconds after meeting someone, we compare him or her to our Mr. or Ms. Perfect list and judge that person as not “the one.”  Sound familiar? (I’ve been guilty of it too!)

Who is Mr. Perfect anyway?

Mr./Ms. Perfect is an idealized vision you have of the partner you should be with for the rest of your life. It's an illusion – a fictional character you’ve created based on limited, crumbling and faded information from your past.

It will be impossible to find the right partner for you now – in the present – while your check list is based on an old, less brilliant version of you.

Take notice of where are you anchored.
Is it in the past, in fiction or reality?
Get to pulse of your consciousness.

Let’s use me as an example.  

I am 35 this October and about 7 years ago I sat down and wrote out my perfect man checklist. I sealed it in an envelope and put it in a wish box under my bed.

My Mr. Perfect looked like this:  6’2, sandy blond/brown hair and boyish-all American good looks. (Think Matt Damon but taller.) He would be a power executive at a major firm who had VIP meetings on his cell phone while drinking a wheat-grass juice on the way to the gym. He had to live in the city and have an impeccable sense of style.

4 years later I still hadn’t found him. Why? Because I constructed this list based on old thought patterns, reactions, and judgements. I was unable to see that anyone else existed.

And I was lonely.

I needed to create a new normal for myself – pronto.

I set out on a mission to penetrate the present. I ripped up my perfect man checklist and immersed myself in discovering what was true for me now. I began investigating the way I dated.  I let go of stale ideas of what I thought would make me happy in a man. I was petitioning the universe to bring me something completely new and fresh.

Today, I’m in love with an amazing man who brings me complete elation. He is 5’11 with dark, thick black hair, sexy ethnic eyes, hates wheat grass and has an obsession with coffee. He is passionate about his career and prosperous but he’s certainly not wheeling and dealing major real estate ventures. He owns his home out towards the desert and to my lovely surprise I enjoy listening to the rustle of the trees at night rather than honking horns.

See the contrast?

My ideas of the ideal man were so pale and so restricted compared to his shine.

:: Are you short-changing yourself? :: Is it possible that your vision of the perfect partner is way too narrow? :: Why confine yourself to some fantasy idea of who you think you should be with?

Love is art and art is risky.

Take a risk.

Torch self-limiting dating concepts.

Love is waiting for you on the other side and she is pure and she is encouraging.


About the author:

Danielle Dowling, MA, is pursing her doctorate in psychology and is a relationship expert who helps women get the man and a bad-ass life. If you're seeking: freedom and fully-realized potential, legendary love and meaningful romance, razor sharp consciousness and effortless communication, pop by her blog for regular doses of awesome.