Patience is a Virtue (that I want to punch in the face)

I don't think I'm a very patient person.

Sure, I was able to see my poor, screwed up dog through months of horrible separation anxiety when I first got him. 

And I've been known to force myself to read every line of a book without skipping to the end to peek at what happens. 

Also? I'll see your Three Day Rule and raise you Four, asshole.

But everything else?

A struggle. (I want to say, "a fucking struggle," but I think I might curse too much for a proper fucking lady. Plus, I already said "asshole." Dammit.)

For example, I do my best to eat heathily, but HATE waiting to cook a nice recipe. So I eat mostly salads. Every day. Twice a day.

I'm a "shove it all into the junk drawer" type to make the house look nice. 

I've got my workout routine, weights and all) down to about 45 minutes. I never work out for more than an hour. Ever. 

I have stopped doing any household projects that involve any sort of labor over a few hours. Why "measure once, cut twice" when I can just drill that sucker into the wall? NOW?

So, imagine how it feels to be in a position to desperately need to grow and learn and do some serious soul-work, and to know that there are things I simply just cannot have (either by choice or necessity) until the work is done, or at least well under way. 

That's why, as I learn about tapping into my Self, and becoming a more balanced, holistic person, that when it comes to the "Four Points of Balance," number four is the hardest.

I swear it says "points" and not "pants."

There are numerous times a day I want to chuck all the work I've done so far right out my super old, Depression Era windows and give in. Do something that will feel good right now, but will inevitably make me cry tomorrow. To compromise a bit and say, "I'll be able to handle it while I grow to be better." To go right against my gut and hope it all works out anyway.

Meaningful Endurance, though, is one of the most important pieces to the puzzle. It means that one must sit in a place that isn't all-too-comfortable and wait. And wait some more. And wait even a little longer.

It means I have to REALLY check in with what I'm feeling and experiencing in my own personal growth. To see if I'm "there" or not...and if not (which is kind of the norm these days) to keep forcing myself to stare down my own demons until they finally back away (as I have done from them for all these years).

I'm not saying i have it worse than anyone else. I don't...my problems, compared to most who have really gone through trauma, are really not that bad. But that doesn't mean that the work doesn't need to be done. That I don't have to take extra measures this time to get it right. 

And it certainly doesn't mean I can rush the process, in any way. 

Which, if you haven't guessed already, suuuuccckkkss. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go hide this stack of papers under this box so the house is clean.

(Oh, and PS, not to be all cryptic in this post about my problems and stuff...just working through some issues from the old divorce/conservative upbringing/other minor issues that I've never really dealt with before, and not ready to write in detail about yet. Someday soon, though, I'm sure you'll be treated to a messy soul puke post all about it. :))