How to use Google+ to Win Friends and Find Lovers

If you're not on Google+ yet you're probably:

a) Still interested in having a life outside the Internet

b) A woman

c) Only just getting on Facebook/just figuring out Twitter/still answering those emails from that Nigerian Prince

...because let me tell you, Google+ is the new way to win friends and find lovers on the Web. While I don't think it'll push Facebook out of the way anytime soon (I'm already finding that I'm using Google+ in a different way than I use Facebook...and both seem to have their own unique function), it has crept into my life in a rather insidious way to the point where I quite literally can't have a thought without wanting to put that shit out to my Circles.

Which brings me to today's point: Google+ is the new frontier for meeting nerds. Gone are the days when Match.com and LinkedIn were the best ways to meet dorks with inflated resumes...with Google+, you can find your favorite god of the Internet, add them to your circle, and BOOM, it's like they're part of your life forever. I mean, c'mon people...this is GOOGLE. FOREVER. You know, like herpes.

So if you're new to the service (or haven't signed up at all) here's how to win friends and find lovers on Google+.

1. Talk about Google+ in your status update at least once a day.

This tip is a crucial point to getting started on the platform. Yes, it's new, and yes, there are a purported 10 million mostly dudes using it, but it's super important that, if you want to fit in, you talk about the platform itself in order to engage conversation. And, I guarantee that if you're a LADY and you're talking about Google +, the boys will find you, and they will +1 the bejesus out of you.

Which is more than you can say about your last OKCupid date amiright? *nudgenudge*

2. Try utilizing Hangouts as a mad science experiment.

First there was sex. Then there was Skype. THEN there was Chat Roulette. With Google+ Hangouts, you can combine all of these super fun things into one GIANT super fun thing. And because Google + is all about enhanced sharing, why not invite your favorite Internet superstar to your Hangout, which focuses hazily on your living room and features you streaking naked across the screen now and again. And, oh! Don't forget to check-in with Google+'s scarily accurate geo-location whatnot! People will want to know where they first saw you nude.

3. Use Circles as a form of highly focused stalking.

Google+ breaks down the barriers between common people and awesome people. And when you have access to awesome people, why not watch their every move? That's why I love the Circle function on Google+ because I can say what I need to say, but only to whom I need to say it.

Now, the cool thing about Circles is that people can only see that you added them to said Circle...so you can have lots of fun naming your circles super sexy things, like...

 This circle ^ is where I will put all the dudes I think have potential as a mate (e.g. have jobs, look rich, seem to travel a lot).

This circle ^ is where I'll put all the dudes who I want nothing more than a meaningless fling with. Because it's Google+, and there are no rules.

Well, and this circle ^ seems rather self-explanatory, doesn't it?

So there you have it! If you're really serious about finding love, and if you're a classy broad who wants to up her odds by like a million percent because it's a Google+ dudefest, then you need to join. It'll be awesome.

In all seriousness, I actually really like the platform. But no, I don't think I'll be using it as my dating site any time soon.