Dear Red: I'm a Nice Guy Who Can't Find Any Nice Girls

Dear Red,

I have this theory that if you're an asshole to a woman all the time, when you do something nice it will stand out, and that is why women like assholes so much.

But if you're like me, and you're nice all the time, slip up once and all of a sudden you're either the biggest asshole in the world, or a creep. I always say that I don't want to be with women like this, but they almost always turn out to be that way.

I feel like I have so much love to give, and no one wants it.



Dear Frustrated,

Really? I feel like a lot of women are looking for a nice guy like you, and complain when they can't find him.

Which makes me wonder...maybe you just haven't met the right one yet?

I know. it's totally annoying to hear, but bear with me...

I've gotta admit, it smarts a little when you put all your emotional eggs in one basket, (and good lord, I've been there more times than I can count in the last year alone), but eventually you're going to have to get to the point where you say, "Enough. What are my patterns? What are the habits and processes that continue to get me to this place?"

Once you look at that and filter out the "keep" and "meh" then you can start to see that who you are, with your very unique self, is a gift. For example, I realized I needed to keep my independent spirit, but lose my ridiculous affection for athletic boys seven to eight years younger than I. I realized that my crazy busy life, and the way I approach it is pretty cool...and it'll take a pretty cool person who gets that.

Actually, West said it better:

What we have to realize is that in part because we’re all so unique, not everyone is going to be able to fully sync up with us. You’ll meet all kinds of people who come close to it, but only a limited few will look at you, the entire you--scars, scabs and all--and say ‘this one. I want this one.’

Because sometimes we can spend a lifetime barking up the wrong tree, throwing the better parts of ourselves at people who just don't (and won't) "get" us. This is not to say the women you've been dating are bad women. I'm sure they're great...for someone else.


Somehow we get this idea that if we're rejected enough times, or have enough people throw our gifts back in our faces, that we're undesirable to EVERYONE. Nope. Not the case. That's pretty much a lie.

And god, I remember when I figured that out about myself, that my quirks and whatnot could be a gift to was like all the fear just left.

Suddenly, here I am, all, "I seriously do not give a fuck about being single. (Though, PS, dear sweet baby Jesus, let me get laid one last time before that)." It's a good place to be. It's comforting to know that, no matter what, I'm okay.

Anyway, you'll get there. Don't be frustrated. Let it sting for a minute, then get up and move on.