I feel my parents did a terrible disservice to me by allowing me to be born poor. To wit, many rich parents often complain that their children don't appreciate the wealth they were born with. The real story here is, what about all the other children who wish they could appreciate the wealth they were born with, but their parents refused to give it to them?
I am one such child. My whole life, I've only ever wanted to lounge around on a beautiful yacht in St. Barths, or go shopping for designer clothes on Daddy's credit card, or hell, even have a serious but rewarding drug addiction for most of my young adulthood. But no, I cannot have this lifestyle because my parents were just too lazy to make sure it was provided for me.
I cannot even imagine the damage not having my very own Lexus to practice driving in at 15 has done me. HELL, I can't even imagine the damage not having the follow up, "I-just-got-my-license" Lexus has done me. Because my parents decided to live a life of service to the church, I will never know what it's like to throw a temper tantrum about the grade of my leather seats, about the lack of A-list celebrity at my Sweet Sixteen party, and of course, let's not even start talking about the glaring void where my trust fund should have been.
Listen, America, I think it's time we fight back against the parents who refused each of us our Silver Spoon. I don't really think that suing them all would be the answer (I can't afford to hire a lawyer, THANKS MOM AND DAD), but I do have two suggestions to improve the plight of plain old "pull-yourself-up-by-your-own-bootstraps" poor kids everywhere.
Let your parents know just how angry you are that you have to have a real job just like everyone else. Ask your mother why she chose to marry the poor minister, and your father why he couldn't have just sucked it up at a soul-pillaging job like hedge fund management. Really try to get to the core of their UNDERSTANDING. Try these questions:
Do you REALLY understand how hard it is not having powerful lawyers and publicists to cover up my last sex tape gaff?
Do you REALLY understand what it's like to have to make friends based on my personality alone, without bribing them with money and gifts?
Do you REALLY understand what it's like to have never tried Krystal? DO YOU?!
Declare independence from your poor parents, and adopt rich parents whose current kids are ungrateful for their birthright. While in the search process for your new parents, be sure to let them know a few key things:
1. Let your potential new parents know how much you'd appreciate living in the 4,000 square foot guest house rent free.
2. Let them know how much you WISHED they would have payed for tuition at Harvard, and then Yale, and then Brown because school is hard and all those other students were jerk-offs and just didn't get you.
3. Let them know how much you'd enjoy the weekend trips to Aspen, and let them know that you'll act bored about it if it would make them feel more like themselves.
And most importantly...
4. Let your new parents know that in exchange for their wealth, gifts, and blind eye to your new bad-rich-kid behavior, you'll be happy to pretend to genuinely love them.
Last but not least...
Make sure you don't do anything to seek your own personal fortune. Doing so would be like knowing that Christmas is around the corner and going out and buying yourself a new wardrobe. That's called being SELFISH. Basically, your wealth should have been a gift from your parents, and all you can do is sit and wait for them to wise up.
What about you? Were you born to spend your days sampling rare caviar, and your parents were like, "hells to the no, we have bills to pay"?