2nd Annual "Dating Horror Stories" Competition: Jenny (aka Workin' on a Ramp)

Ever really wondered what speed dating is like? Well, put Jenny McCoy, the hilarious writer of Workin' on a Ramp and friggin' writer for friggin' MTV, on the case and you'll be sure to read a story you'll never forget. Here's her experience as a first time speed dater.

Speed dating is kind of like waiting in line for a roller coaster. It sounds really awesome at first, but then you get closer to the front and you start to wonder if doing flips at 60 miles per hour is really a good use of your time.

Fortunately, there was a bar at the front of the speed dating line, so I began my search for love by downing Brooklyn Lagers at a furious pace.

It also only took three Boston Lagers in 15 minutes for me to realize I really needed to pee. On my way back to the bar, an event leader approached me and asked if I’d like a free spot.

“I’m already signed up.”

“Oh, great! Well, next week is “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Give me your info and I’ll get you a comp to that one.”

Great, so now I’m a speed dating ringer. * Well, let’s get started.

Last night’s theme was “Not From New York.” In hindsight, this was a bad theme choice. Explaining where I’m from is one of my most taxing convos and this event forced me to do that eight times in a row. (I’m from Titusville and no one knows where the hell that is and my “Space Coast” clarification only mildly reduces their confusion and by that point I’ve probably already decided that the next two minutes are a waste of both of our times and like, I just wish I had a map and another beer.) So given that attitude, let’s go into each contestant.

1. Esben

Esben’s opener was, “Finally, we meet.” Yes, now I remember, you were the guy giving me the creepy smile across the bar while I was pounding BK Lagers. The conversation then went into how, you know, we’re not from New York. I’m from Florida which offers obvious questions. Which part? Near Disney? And so on. But Esben, he’s from Denmark. All I really have to say about that is, “Denmark! Cool! I’ve never been there. That’s… far away, hee hee.”

Ding, ding! Switch.

2. Jason

Within the first minute, I found out that Jason is a speed dating slut. He does it “all the time.” As I tweeted prior to the event, I think speed dating is nerdy, and as a giant nerd, I need a partner who is both cool and tan to give my kids a chance.

Ding, ding! Switch.

3. Geoff

Geoff was nice, but to be honest, I didn’t like him from the second his parents spelled his name that way. Also, I’ve dated both a “Geoff” and a “Jeff,” so I feel like I’ve covered that name already.

Ding, ding! Switch.

4. Peter

I guess I just don’t understand why someone like Peter would go to an event that is at best, superficial.

Ding, ding! Switch.

5. Malcolm

Malcolm was at least 50 years old. When I spotted his event name tag earlier I thought a funny intro question would be, “So, what college do your kids go to?” but instead we talked about all the places he’s lived since, you know, he’s been on the planet twice as long as I have.

Ding, ding! Switch.

6. Allon

Allon was the only partial candidate, as you’ll see from my notes below. Allon continued talking to the last girl he was set up with and I just found this to be unfair and also a good reason to transform into Debbie Downer and inhale a quesadilla at the bar.

Ding, ding! Switch.

7. Vitaly

Vitaly was from Russia. Again, not really fair. Vitaly made me laugh because he kept talking about vodka and essentially being a huge, blundering stereotype and I just didn’t understand how that was a good tactic.

Ding, ding! Switch.

8. Ashu

Ashu gets points because I immediately got to make a note on my score card that I found to be very funny at the time, “BLESS YOU!” But then he made things awkward. His accent and appearance were a clear giveaway of his heritage, yet he insisted that I guess. “Oh I don’t know.” “No, come on, you can guess.” “Oh, I’m not sure I can!” He finally announced that he was from India and I was shocked. I then announced that I had to pee because I’d been binge drinking and left.

Below you’ll see my score card. This was very entertaining. It’s the first time in quite a few years that I’ve tried to see what someone else is writing while concealing my own paper.

Will I go back next week? I don’t know. Self-deprecating humor about awkward situations is kind of my forte...

*I haven’t decided if I’m going to become a speed dating ringer yet, but I can definitely predict that I won’t enter that theme with a good opinion. “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” What effing century are we in? I prefer brunettes, how about that? I can’t even describe all of the negative preconceptions I’d bring with my six beer buzz.